The Tale of Nejipunzel
by TenTailedBunnyDemon
Summary: This is the most INSANE thing I have ever written....Neji is a princess and Hinata is Queen of Darkness and imprisons him and Tenten comes to his rescue! NejiTen and a little bit of NaruHina at the end. XD


The Tale of Nejipunzel

**A/N: **I have no explanation for this whatsoever. This is a product of my DEMENTED MIND. To be exact, a product of me and my sister's brains at three o'clock in the morning! XD

Please know that this is purely humor and it not meant to offend any fans. I love all of the characters myself, I'm just making a parody of them! They belong to Kishimoto, although the insanity belongs to me. If I owned Naruto you would have seen Neji with wet hair three times already!

ooo

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Princess by the name of Nejipunzel. He had the most silky, luscious, and shiny dark brown hair in all the land, but to even call it _brown _was a shameful offense! No, it was the color of delicious chocolate, soft and smooth and rich. Nejipunzel's skin was like a white pearl, and he possessed the most divine, angelic beauty that people constantly fainted whenever he went out walking in his royal gardens, and he would step over them in his dainty slippers and continue on.

Nejipunzel's childhood was rather dull—or at least it was for the purposes of this story, because I don't feel like writing very much about it. You see, after an incident where the public went wild and tried to mob and abduct him, his parents kept him out of sight of the world, and Nejipunzel grew up as a proper young Princess, learning the fine arts of embroidery and flower arrangement.

One day his cousin Hinata came to visit, and Nejipunzel, being, of course, perfect in all ways, perfectly embroidered his perfect embroidery much more perfectly than Hinata could. He joyfully exclaimed, "I am so perfect! I am perfect in all ways!"

"N-N-Nejipunzel-chan, I-I don't think that's true….if you're perfect, t-then why are you so vain?" Hinata looked down and blushed that she had been so forward.

Neji put his delicate hands on his slender hips and looked down his shapely nose at her. "What's wrong with being vain when I _am _perfect? Because I am! And it's not my fault that I'm perfect!" He smirked beautifully. "Fate made _my_ embroidery pretty, not yours!" And the Princess pranced away singing his own praise in his saintly voice. You really couldn't blame him.

But Hinata just looked down at her own sloppy stitches. To the casual observer she would look like a shy, hurt, innocent girl, but inside Hinata's mind, the gears were turning. She gripped her needle harder—oh yes, she would have her revenge. It would start now.

ooo

Several years passed without event in Nejipunzel's life. He sang and danced and combed his hair and reflected on his own exquisiteness daily. And then, one day, Nejipunzel was out walking in his private garden as he always did, observing his elegant countenance in a pool of shimmering rainwater, when all of a sudden the sky went dark and lightning flashed. Nejipunzel, of course, screamed—but none of his devoted servants heard him because Hinata, Queen of Darkness, _had killed them all!_

Yes, Hinata had arrived. Her voice boomed down from the sky. "Nejipunzel….now I will have my revenge!"

Nejipunzel sobbed from where he lay quivering in fear on the wet grass, and slowly looked up with tearful eyes. There stood Hinata, atop a giant, lavender, red-eyed bunny demon. She was dressed in a black and purple kimono; an obsidian crown was on her head and an evil glint was in her eye.

Hinata lifted one delicate finger—a bolt of lightning crashed down from the boiling clouds, zapping a small flower next to one of Nejipunzel's perfectly manicured hands. It went up in a cloud of putrid smoke. The Princess whimpered. "Please, Hinata, oh, please don't hurt me!"

Hinata grinned evilly. "It's _Queen _Hinata now, thankyouverymuch. And I'm not going to kill you. Oh no, I wouldn't do _that!_ I'm going to _let you suffer_." The last three words were drawn out in a sinister whisper.

The Queen had two of her minions put poor frightened Nejipunzel in a sack, which was rough on his delicate skin and messed up his perfect hair. He curled up in a ball and sobbed quietly for what seemed like hours as they flew on Hinata's demon bunny to who knew where.

Suddenly, he felt himself lifted up. Hinata's evil cackle sounded from nearby as he was freed from the sack and then unceremoniously dumped through a window onto a cold floor. Nejipunzel sobbed brokenly and picked himself up hastily so that his hair wouldn't get dust in it from the floor, but then he sighed tremulously upon seeing his surroundings.

He was in a circular stone room with one door, one window (which he had already become acquainted with), a small, lumpy bed, and a deformed dresser against the wall next to it. He rushed to the window and looked down, down, down….

Princess Nejipunzel screamed in horror. He was trapped in a tower in the middle of nowhere and no matter what he did, he would have no way to bathe or wash his clothes! And possibly even worse, there was no one nearby to gaze upon his fair beauty and admire and praise him! He collapsed in a faint, and then hopped up again because not only did he want to keep his hair clean, he had remembered that there was a _door_.

It was Nejipunzel's only hope! He ran to it and frantically pulled it open to reveal a tiny, cramped bathroom. Nejipunzel was both disappointed that he couldn't escape, and overjoyed, because there was a _sink! _That meant running water!

Behind him, still hovering on her demon bunny in the window, Hinata laughed ominously. Nejipunzel froze—what if the sink was just there to cruelly _tease _him with the now-unattainable dream of cleanliness! He turned the faucet very slowly—and water came out! Tears of bliss coursed down Nejipunzel's pristine cheeks and he clasped his hands in gratitude to Fate.

But then Neji found that the water was _freezing cold! _Horror after horror! Now that he looked at the bathroom more he saw that he mirror had a crack down the middle, and there was no shampoo _or _conditioner _or _special lotion _or _face cream _or _nail polish _or _moisturizer _or _lip balm _or _anything else. Nejipunzel was accustomed to being waited on hand and foot, with all the best things; he was scandalized!

He rushed back to the window and implored Hinata with a quavering voice. "O great Queen, powerful and just, do not abandon me to such torment! It's not my fault that I'm so perfect! I never meant—"

"Just shut your pretty mouth already," snapped Hinata.

Nejipunzel smiled delightedly. "I have a pretty mouth? Why thank you! I mean, of course I do! But it's so kind of you to say so. Now I thought that you were going to leave me here but of course you wouldn't do that, because—"

"Oh no, I _am _going to leave you here." Hinata's eyes glowed maliciously as every word became stronger. "With you out of the way, my road to absolute world domination is open! I will rule the universe!" She held out her open palm, and lavender chakra like flames coursed around it, giving off an uncanny light. "All shall love me and despair!"

ooo

Nejipunzel sobbed in the shadows. Hinata had flown away on her bunny, leaving him all alone, in the freezing tower, with nothing but the clothes he was wearing to comfort him, the last thing he had from his old life. Nejipunzel's shoulders trembled. He missed his family. They never paid much attention to him anyway, being King and Queen, but all the same they gave him nice things and food and—what was he going to _do? _He didn't have any food _either! _Nejipunzel hugged himself harder.

After falling into a fitful sleep Nejipunzel awoke again to find moonlight spilling through his window. His eyes traveled to the center of the room, where his evil cousin had left her parting gift. It was a giant loom, complete with silk thread and a shuttle. Nejipunzel sighed, and resigned himself to his Fate.

ooo

The days stretched into weeks, months, years—but Nejipunzel was smarter and tougher than he looked and it was because of his genius that he survived. This morning started like any other day.

Nejipunzel opened his radiant eyes from peaceful slumber and yawned luxuriously. Then he stepped out of bed and formed the seals. "Ninja Art: Eternal Sanitation!" It was a technique he had invented that made his whole body, including his hair and clothes, spotlessly clean and fresh in under a second. Nejipunzel smiled delightedly at his own genius. He really _was _perfect in all ways!

A small flying bunny arrived with his simple breakfast, and after he was done eating he spent the morning weaving, passing the shuttle through the silk threads from one graceful hand to the other. Then, after lunch, the poor Princess sat by his window and wept sparkling crystal tears that fell endlessly down until they splashed on the barren earth below. From his tears there grew a field of shining flowers as far as Nejipunzel could see, and they swayed peacefully in the gentle breeze.

On this particular day, exactly seven years, three months, one week, and four days since the Princess's abduction and imprisonment, he was weeping by his window as usual in the afternoon when something caught his eye. No travelers entered this land! What could it be? Nejipunzel raised his luminous, tear-stained cheeks and peered at the thing. Then suddenly he put a hand to his heart and gasped dramatically.

For over the top of the hill, through the wildflowers, there came a panda, and riding the panda was Sir Tenten the Gallant. Her armor glinted gloriously in the sun and she smiled bravely. "Hail, fair Princess! I am valiant Sir Tenten and I have come to rescue you from the evil clutches of Hinata, Queen of Darkness!"

Nejipunzel sighed passionately and his heart fluttered. "Oh, brave Tenten, release me from my never-ending torment!"

"My love, what is your name?"

"I am Nejipunzel, the fairest maiden in all the world," he replied dreamily.

Tenten held out a hand. "Nejipunzel, Nejipunzel—let down your brunette hair!"

"That's the wrong inflection, and what the _hell?_"

"It's so I can climb up there! Then I can summon a ladder so that we can escape!"

Nejipunzel though this rather odd, and didn't know that it was only happening for the entertainment of a demented girl in another universe, but he supposed that he could easily clean it later, so he went around the room gathering it up—it had grown rather long during all this time in the tower—and heaved it out the window.

Tenten sighed in awe as the river of shining locks tumbled down from the window to end just above the ground. She approached reverently and ran her hands slowly through it, exhaling in ecstasy as its silky texture. Then she began to climb. Finally at the window, she climbed through and embraced her love.

"Oh, Tenten, let us be gone from this dreadful place!" Nejipunzel whispered.

Gallant Sir Tenten nodded, summoned a ladder, and fastened it to the windowsill. Then, before they left, Nejipunzel went into the bathroom and donned the dress he had been weaving. Evil Hinata, Queen of Darkness, had been forcing him to weave it for her, but he was free now, and they were the same size anyway, so why not take it? It would look better on him anyway.

Nejipunzel stepped shyly out of the bathroom and said, "Ok, Tenten, you can turn around now." Tenten did, and upon seeing the Princess smiled in wonder. Nejipunzel looked absolutely stunning! The dress was made of white and gold silk, contrasting beautifully with Nejipunzel's skin and dark hair, and around his neck he wore a beautiful gold pendant of a little bird with open wings. It had magically appeared there and because I'm the author I don't have to explain—so there!

Anyway, Nejipunzel blushed prettily and then Sir Tenten lifted the Princess in her strong, manly arms and carried him down the ladder, which vanished in a puff of smoke as it was no longer needed for the plot. The hero and heroine—whichever is which—rode away into the sunset on Sir Tenten's panda.

"Oh, Tenten, you are so brave and strong!"

"My beloved Nejipunzel, let us be married! For your beauty outshines the sun, moon and stars with its eternal radiance!"

"Yes!" Nejipunzel was agreeing with both statements. He flung his arms around Tenten's waist and sighed. "How did you find me? It must have been Fate! We were meant to be together!"

Tenten laughed. "Oh, this weird green-jumpsuit-wearing circus performer told me a legend about a beautiful princess imprisoned in a tower near here, so I went to find you."

Nejipunzel sighed. "You're so noble!" But then suddenly a small tear slipped down his cheek. "But I fear we cannot be together, for I can only marry one of royalty!"

Tenten grinned. "All's well then, my love, for I am King Tenten of Pandaland!"

"Oh Tenten!"

"Oh Nejipunzel!"

And they kissed passionately, and got married, and lived happily ever after with prosperity and sanitation.

As for Hinata, Queen of Darkness, when she found out that her cousin had escaped she prepared to go on a rampage, but just then the Sun God, in his brilliant orange robes, came striding into her dark stronghold, swept her up in his arms, and said, "Would you marry me, dattebayo?" Of course Hinata fainted, but when she had been revived she and Naruto kissed tenderly and went to live together for eternity in his cloudy palace.

The end.

ooo

**A/N: **Haha, I _couldn't resist! _That was just _ridiculously_ fun to write! XD Review please!

Lord of the Rings (_All shall love me and despair!_) belongs to Tolkien and Peter Jackson. Also, I saw a piece of fanart that had Neji saying, _Fate made my hair pretty, not yours! _which is where I got that line of his from.

Reviews make Hinata happy, and when she isn't happy she _does _go on a rampage, so review or face her wrath….mwahaha!


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